Not a girl, Not yet a woman
Lately, like Lili, I've been feeling like a hesitant adult. I just turned 24 at the end of last month—I'm definitely not a little girl anymore, but there're lots of signs that keep reminding me that I'm still far from turning into a mature adult;
and these signs include:
- I don't feel ready to get a "real job" or to study for another degree;
- I'm still not sure if I would fully enjoy a career in teaching;
- I feel like there're lots of skills that I've yet to learn (social skills, living-on-my-own skills, teaching skills, language skills, and music skills, etc etc.);
- I've been having a lot of fun making many online friends that are WAY younger than myself (especially the 12 year olds lol);
- I don't feel ready for a relationship;
- I don't feel ready to have sex (actually because of a mental block, I think? I feel like the only reason that my ex dated me ~3 years ago was that he just wanted to have sex with me.);
- and I still live with my family, the Real Adults.
So basically my life now is like:
This feels like I'm living by a "lying flat" philosophy, and honestly, I've come to realize that it's probably a good thing. At least, it's been helping me a lot with my mental health, which is absolutely an extremely important thing in one's life.
Now, even though my family cannot provide me with much financial support to find me therapy, get me a job (that I would actually enjoy), or just send me abroad for a master's degree like many of my friends' parents do (which seems to be quite easy today, as long as a family has enough money…)—I feel like I'm living a full life right now—all thanks to the fact that my family let me have "a room of my own".
I am nowhere near that indifferent towards my life or anything, but I just feel like I've stopped myself from trying too hard. And seriously, why try? No matter how hard I try, it's impossible to learn those skills like a pro within a day or two; no matter how hard I try, it's still hard to turn my obsession with learning languages into a genuine passion for teaching languages; and no matter how hard I try, I still don't know how to properly start a conversation with the guys that I find cute or attractive… and even if I do, that obviously doesn't mean that I would eventually find myself a good love, because as people often say, el amor cuando se busca nunca llega.
Thus, around this point of growing one year older, I still have to say, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman." Yet, I'm still convinced—just like any other girl that feels like she's being caught in between—I am trying to find the woman in me.
Thanks for reading! But Do Not Leave A Comment. 😊